How to be Great

Look, we all know being great is difficult. I’m not going to lie, being a 24 hour-a-day piece of splendour is bloody hard. Not only have you got to always be great, you also have to sound and look great, and that can be difficult. I’m here to help. Follow these few steps and you’ll be great. Soon. 

1. Tell everyone how great you are.

Broadcast your greatness. How else would anyone know?. It’s the biggest mistake people make. they don’t tell anyone how great they are. Never miss an opportunity to let people know. If a group of people is discussing the merits of Plato versus Aristotle let them know they were amateurs in the light of your unified theory of everything , if a girl is telling you about her mother’s recent cancer diagnosis, let her know you’ve a nine inch penis. And know how to use it.  If ever that little voice in your head is saying, “No it’s not the right moment, show some tact,” remember, that’s your inner awful talking, ignore it or else you’re doomed to a life of unfulfilled mediocrity.

2. Put everyone else down 

There’s only a limited amount of “great” to go around. Limited, remember. That means for every George Clooney out there, there is a George Costanza.

It could be you

If someone gets a promotion at your job, tell the boss he’s stealing stationary, if someone is better at sport than you, simply break his legs – unless he’s already in a wheelchair, then steal his wheels – and finally if someone has a better looking girlfriend than you, Photoshop a mustache onto a picture of her face and tell her boyfriend she used to be a man. 

3. Fake it

Look, if everyone was honest all the time, the world would be an awful place, friends would never speak, sex lives would suffer dreadfully and Keanu Reeves would never have gotten started in movies. You just can’t be great all the time.

Sometimes would be a start

It’s just not possible, some days you’ll only be 80 per cent awesome and that is going to be a problem. So, what you have to do is fake it, pretend greatness is the next best thing to the reality. So, here’s what you do, every time you feel yourself flagging, remember Al Pacino’s death scene in Scarface – cause what’s cooler than a morally bankrupt drug dealer killing a load of cops? – or, just think to yourself what would Bruce Willis do, WWWD for short. That’ll sort you right out.

This is only a start, there are many other tips on greatness but they have to do with talent, hard work and luck and no one wants to hear about that, now, do they?

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