Every now and then, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling knowing that I belong to the most advanced species on the planet. Humans are great, aren’t we? Then I find out about some new animal I never knew of before and promptly hide for weeks on end in my room, cowering in fear and praying to every God that has ever been worshipped.

Mother nature hates us.

7. Brazilian Wandering Spider

I like spiders. I like normal spiders that are not spawned from evil alternate dimension of hell. Behold, the Brazilian Wandering Spider.

(Image via Wikipedia)

Listed by the Guiness Book of Records as the most venomous animal on the planet, the Brazillian Wandering has a leg span averaging 13cm and is well known for its speed and incredible aggressiveness. This thing is deadly and knows it. It will come after you if you look at it funny and kill you and everyone you love. If it bites you, you may as well start digging. Victims usually die within an hour of being bitten. The complex neurotoxin it injects when biting you serves the purpose of slowly shutting down your entire nervous system. As an added bonus it also doses you with serotonin, causing excruciating pain while you die. Oh and it also causes Priapism. I just can’t describe it here. Go look at the link and all men out there will agree with me. I cringe just thinking about it.

6. Siafu (Safari Ants)

While I may complain about the Irish weather, I am always thankful I live somewhere that claims the bull as it’s most dangerous animal. Our ants are tiny things, I laugh at ants…and then quietly hope they don’t have a Siafu cousin or something.

(Image via Wikipedia)

Siafu are cruel and unforgiving. Also, blind, not that it matters. The entire colony of Siafu is mobile, unlike regular ants that bed down and form a colony, Siafu stay in a place just long enough to lay some eggs and eat some food before they move on. And they all move. When the eggs hatch, the thousand strong colony just gets up and starts moving. And anything too slow to move (or if you’re unlucky enough to be asleep) out of the way is eaten. Alive. By thousands of tiny Demon bugs. Of course, by tiny I mean a half inch in size. Reports of Siafu swarms eating horses alive when they get in the way show just how evil these things are. Go stand next to a horse. See how screwed you are?

5. Stonefish

I’m half-Australian. But I would never dream of living there. Why? Because everything that moves out there can kill you. Hell, even some things that don’t can kill you.

The Stonefish makes its unwelcome home in the Great Barrier Reef. A popular scuba diving spot, the Stonefish decides to go and be an even bigger asshole by looking more like a stone than an actual stone does. I mean look at that picture! That’s all well and good. Sitting there, being lazy. I can respect that. I’m not so cool with the idea of the 13 spines which can inject a venom that will kill an adult human in less than two hours. Symptoms of this venom? Oh just a few annoyances like intense pain lasting half a day, nausea, tremors, abnormal heartbeats, seizures and paralysis… Fuck you Stonefish.

4. Australian Paralysis Tick

I’ve seen ticks, they’re nothing major. A slight irritation. Unless they come from Australia. Then they’re pure evil. Unlike normal ticks, this one will paralyse its target so it can feed without interruption. The best bit is that this does nothing to aid the Tick in doing its business. That means it developed this ability to just for kicks. If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is.

3. Blue Ringed Octopus

Oh come on Australia! What the hell?! I was unfortunate enough to see one of these things. Fortunately, I knew what it was and promptly ran screaming like a little girl. This tiny little octopus can inject (using its ferociously sharp beak) a cocktail of tocins designed to leave your paralysed and yet completely aware of your surroundings. You won’t feel a thing. Until you realise that your lungs have stopped working. Then you may start screaming for help…Oh wait, you can’t. Because you’re paralysed.

2. Bottle-Nosed Dolphins

Yeah, didn’t expect to see these here did you? Well, I wouldn’t either. Until I read this. They kill baby porpoises for no obvious reason. Here’s something else too. They kill their own young. For sport. And on occassion they’ve killed human males because they grow attached to women. So it turns out we’re not the only species that murders. Next time I see a dolphin I’m just going to start writing a will.

1. Naeglaria Fowleri

The only microscopic organism on this list, and probably the worst thing I have ever heard of. After first hearing about it on a TV show, I decided to do some research. This little bastard waits for you to go swimming in the water it’s infected and then proceeds to enter through your nose. It latches onto your nervous system, and – like any good evil, horror, murderous entity does – feasts on your sweet, sweet brain. The only symptoms are a slight headache followed by hallucinations. Then you die. And it just sits there, laughing and eating your juicy brain meats. But hey, it only shows up in murky jungl wter, right? Wrong.