Bizarre Penis Facts in the Animal Kingdom

When it comes to the animal kingdom, God has one heck of a sense of humor. From strange looking animals, to bizarre genitalia, these things just makes a person want to laugh. Here are the strangest facts when it comes to animal genitalia.

  1. Cetaceans, inch for inch, have the biggest dorks. Just so you know, a dork is the actual name for a whale’s penis. So the next time a person calls you a dork, they’re calling you a whale penis. At any rate, the blue whale is known to have the largest penis. It is also capable of maneuvering on its own while trying to reach the female’s vagina. The largest ever measured on a specimen reached 8 feet. Holy dorks Batman!

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  2. Jonah Falcon supposedly holds the record for the longest human male penis. It measures in at 13 ½ inches. The poor guy hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in ten years. He wants to be respected for his personality, not for his monstrous appendage. Excuse me while I childishly…giggle…

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  3. Gorillas, despite their immense size, have such puny organs. They measure in at just a mere 2 inches. In some African countries, it’s an insult to tell someone they’re hung like a gorilla. So the next time you hear that, it isn’t a compliment guy.

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  4. The oddest shaped penises have to go to pigs and the Argentine Bluebill duck. Theirs are shaped like corkscrew. Kinky. Stranger yet, most birds don’t even have penises. Sucks for those guys. The duck’s penis in its flaccid state stays curled up inside the cloacae. One specimen of the Bluebill duck measured an astounding 17 inches. The average is 8 inches. If a male human could be comparable, it would be like lugging around a 12 foot penis.

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  5. Barnacles have the big guns. They have evolved penises that are 8 times the length of their bodies to cope with changing tides and a sedentary lifestyle. Relatively speaking, their penis is the longest to body size only. They can also change their shape depending on water currents. Barnacles living in calm waters have the longest dongs. Those living in rough waters have shorter, “stouter” willies.

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  6. Kangaroo penises are just plain freaky looking. They’re bifurcated )with the exception of Grey or Red kangas). The penises are split. But this is to compensate for the fact that female kangas have two vaginas. Come again?

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  7. Sharks come equipped with not one, but two schwartzs. The claspers (ptorygopodia) are misleading in name, because they don’t “clasp” the female at all.

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  8. Is that a penis is your pocket? Okay this isn’t about male penis. It’s about the spotted female hyena, which may as well have a penis. A female creates high doses of androgen (a male hormone), in her final stages of pregnancy. She’ll end up passing some of these hormones onto her offspring. The hormone wreaks havoc on future female generations. Their ovaries become damaged, not to mention the huge clitoris they can grow. The clitoris, which contains the birthing canal, can protrude 7 inches. Essentially when they give birth, it’s like birthing through a penis. Yeouch!

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  9. Flatworms can have dozens of penises. It’s important because the fight over potential mates is a brutal game. Even though flatworms are hermaphrodites, penis chomping among one another isn’t unusual.

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  10. And now we end with the smallest wee-wee. The common shrew has a penis so small, it only measures up to a paltry 0.2 inches. And that’s erect. Poor little bugger.

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5 Responses to “Bizarre Penis Facts in the Animal Kingdom”
  1. diane mccloskey Says...

    On August 12, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    God doth have a sense of humor, and apparently so do you! Interesting stuff! :)

  2. R J Evans Says...

    On August 18, 2008 at 12:41 am

    Do you know, sometimes I read an article and think, ‘Jezz, why didnt I think of that?’ Excellent stuff, I love your tongue in cheek way of writing and your irreverence. Two questions? 1) Have you been watching a lot of British comedy lately? & 2) Are you sure you’re American?

    (Please take note, American friends, that I am being flip here!)

  3. gorgeous&rected Says...

    On July 5, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Goodness! I’ve had a good laugh with my honey while reading this!

  4. Effector Says...

    On December 14, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    BAHAHAHAHA! Man! your the frickin best!! HAHAHAHA!!

  5. homebuilding Says...

    On May 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    What? You left out any reference to actual calcified bone as a structural component of the penis.’

    I insist on it in a rewrite!

    It is rather common, actually.

    ….and it bears mention that the colder it gets, the smaller the package gets, all in the name of temperature stabilization.

    also, under threat ‘things just get drawn up’ for self-preservation to avoid either injury whilst running through the brambles, or to avoid becoming a tasty snack for a foe.

    (thus, flaccid measurement is not incredibly reliable)

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