Where the heck did all these stupid stories about reptiles come from anyway?

Reptiles are not mammals. They are very different from mammals. They are not cute like mammals. They are tricksters and they are evil.

But I guess you knew that already, huh? Well, did you know that one of the above phrases is actually quite untrue? (I’ll give you a hint, it’s the last one).

Though they will never reach the level of charm and cuteness that many mammals have (except mammals which happen to be you mammal-in-law…I mean mother-in law), reptiles are not evil. My apologies to anyone who likes to read the Bible too literally. The Snake was a metaphor. Of course one would never cuddle up with a snake, a glass of wine, and a good book in front of the fireplace, but one shouldn’t hate them either. Unfortunately, this is harder to actually do, than it is to say. Ever since we were little hairy monkeys, up until today (when we are large hairless monkeys), snakes have always been a source of “negative vibes” (as surfers would say). Due to various defense mechanisms that have evolved in the human psyche (don’t worry, I’m not going to go all “psychological” on you), the following equation has been fused into our brains:

Monkey (or Man) + Snake (or any other reptile for that matter) = Big trouble (and/or death).

So, unfortunately, as the situation stands, reptiles are some of the less desirable members of the animal socio-political conglomerate (the animal kingdom, for short). But what exactly are these heinous acts that the poor reptiles have committed? Well:

Skin:

We have it, they have it. Ours is smooth because we spend millions of dollars on beauty products, theirs is smooth because it just is (except for snakes and a few others). One of the many false beliefs about reptiles is that their skin is cold, clammy, slimy, slippery, etc…. This notion, I’m sad to say, is utterly false. Anyone who has actually had a close encounter with a member of the reptile family will tell anyone willing to listen that snake skin is dry, scaly, sometimes smooth, and sometimes even warm (depending on whether or not the snake had taken a siesta in the sun or not). So why the big fuss over skin? Well, how would any of you like to touch a sort of slimy, slippery slug? That’s right, you wouldn’t. And you don’t (unless you are paid to or are a little masochistic). This is another “ape-ism” from our days in the rainforests, meant to discourage touching what could then (and now, for that matter) become our death.

Size:

“It was twice as long as I’m tall, and it was three times the size of my arm”. Haven’t we all heard that one? Maybe from your grandfather, your rancher neighbor, or from one of your colleagues around the water cooler (when he was trying to show that he did indeed go hiking, and was not such a wimp as everyone thought him to be). Unfortunately, most snakes say the same thing about humans. Why? Because most snakes are a lot smaller than us. So why do we tend to exaggerate the things we don’t like? Well, it’s another hold-over from our free and furry days (when men were real monkey men, women were real monkey women, and the law of the land went to him who carried the biggest stick. Not much has changed, has it?). Simply put, the larger the actual animal, the larger the danger, and the smaller the chance that you will be stupid enough to go chasing after it.

Speed:

No, I don’t mean the movie “Speed”. I mean snake speed (and reptile speed in general). Though snakes can strike with blinding speed, most of them would never qualify for a shift into second gear (many don’t even appear on the speedometer for that matter). Very few snakes are actually able to move over 6 mph, and none of them can move very fast for very long. Why, well because it’s impossible. Why, because reptiles have cold blood. Cold blood is a great impediment to speed, since it tends to cool down rather fast after heating. In fact, your neighbor (the fat…I mean the rather large one) would probably be able to outrun a snake (maybe after a few days spent at the gym).

Fun Fact: The above-mentioned rules do not apply to the Komodo Dragon. If you see one (and more importantly if it sees you and seems interested in your flavor), run (and pray that whose weeks at the gym pay off). In the event of a Komodo Dragon actually catching you, the best way to deal with the situation is to make sure that it doesn’t happen.

Venom:

It seems that quite a lot of animals and insects have small amounts of venom (even humans, that is if they don’t brush their teeth regularly). Wasps have it, spiders have it, even some mammals have it. So what’s the big deal with snake venom? Well it hurts once it enters the body. It also has the rather annoying habit of killing if not treated in time. Where the exaggeration appears, is in the actual occurrences of venom in snakes. If one were to listen to common stories, one would believe that the world is overrun by venomous snakes (with attitude problems). It (thank goodness) is not so. Only about 10% of the world’s snakes actually have venom. The others are simply riding on that 10%’s coattails. So, again, why the venom-mania? Is it? Can it be? Yes, it is! Its monkey behavior time again. What better way to teach your offspring and peers to avoid something, than telling them that one touch from said menace is pure death, and that the death-bearing menace is everywhere.

Aggressiveness:

An immeasurable number of people think that snakes are some sort of violent punks from the Bronx that, once they have spotted you, will continue to chase you until they have done their God-given duty to kill (or mug) you. This is not true. Though highly protective of their gang’s “turf”, most snakes will not chase you once you get out of their “back yard” (imagine a poison-bearing aggravated old man yelling “get off my lawn you delinquents!”). This relates back to another point in my explanation. That of speed. Assuming that you can run, snakes would have a very hard time catching up to you, since they are cold-blooded and can’t muster enough speed to get to an interview on time. But, remember, though it might not chase you, it is a good idea to get out of a snake’s territory as fast as you can. Why? Well partly because running is good cardio, and partly because there might be other snakes around who are equally fond of you as the one who looked so threatening a few meters ago. Run you little monkey, run! (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Snake Charming:

Who ever thought this one up? Snakes are anything but charming, and lack any trace of charisma. But the way a snake’s prey freezes up when confronted by its attacker does look slightly like an instance of hypnosis. This could also have something to do with the fact that sakes (and many other reptiles) do not blink (so no, they can’t do the Clint Eastwood trademark squint). Many of these animals which freeze at the sight of a snake are either paralyzed with fear, or they are using a defense mechanism that goes a little like this: “If I stay still, the hunter might think that I am either part of the scenery or a statue”. Ridiculous, really. As to whether snakes themselves can be charmed by various techniques (i.e. staring them in the eye, playing them Middle-Eastern music, playing them Andrew Lloyd Weber, etc…); well I’m neither affirming nor confirming the possibility. If you want to make sure whether that little skinny Indian man with the turban is conning you or really charming the snake, I suggest pouring water on both. If the snake fizzes and sparks, it is mechanical. I then suggest running from the little skinny man. If the snake is indeed real, I suggest running from both the man and the snake.

There are many other misconceptions about snakes and reptiles in general, but to list them all would take up too much space (and too much of my patience). Myths such as the hoop snake which rolls down hills like a wheel, or a snake’s venomous breath. These legends are usually fun to listen to, but always remember: Snakes aren’t toys. It is important that you stay away from them, especially from the biting end.