If you thought that human mating techniques were awkward or embarrassingly brutal, think again. God definitely has a bizarre sense of humor when it comes to the animal kingdom.
After reading this, you will never look at sex again in the same light.
These guys really believe in monogamy. So much so, that it is passed on to future generations. Not only do the guys give birth, but also they remain faithful to their mates for life. Their young will even repeat the same mating ritual as well as choosing a mate for life. Who could ask for anything more?
Not only do they look nasty, but the guys are moochers. Be careful what you wish for ladies when you ask for a mate for life. The male anglerfish, upon finding a pretty lady, will bite her and release an enzyme that fuses them together. The two then become bonded in an everlasting embrace. When the female is ready to reproduce, the male’s appendage is there to provide her with sperm.
We don’t need any stinking men! Really, we don’t. These little lizards are all girls. They reproduce by cloning themselves. Since they can’t engage in sex, they stimulate each other by reversing roles where one behaves as the male and mounts the other. When both females are fertilized they produce exact copies of themselves.
Using what is termed “traumatic insemination” (and yes, it really does sound that horrifying), the male bedbug impales the female rather than taking the time to get to know her. He then inseminates her. Talk about romance.
These guys bring new meaning to hot lunch. In what is one of the most grossest come-ons, the male initiates mating by locking beaks with the female. He then vomits into her mouth. But it’s okay, because he’s just showing her how much he likes her by regurgitating a tasty snack into her mouth.
Red-Sided Garter Snakes
This creepy mating ritual has hundreds of male snakes writhing around in a ball trying to play “Guess Who the Lady Is?” To better his chances of copulation, the male snake has two penises. Whichever penis is closest to the female will have to fight off all the other males in a battle to victoriously score.
Exploding testicles, holy frijoles! If a female, virgin honeybee manages to survive adulthood, she will mate with about a dozen drones. Unfortunately for the male who manages to get the girl, his testicles will explode and plant themselves in the future queen. Yeouch! While severely painful to the male, evolutionary speaking, the removed testicles act as a plug to prevent other males from bussing around.
Snails are hermaphrodites. But since they can’t inseminate themselves, they still need some love. Once they find a mate, the foreplay ensues. Sinus pressure builds up, and calcified darts on both snails will harpoon one another with sperm. Sometimes one or both partners are killed since the darts can penetrate the heart or brain.
These nasty critters are violent when it comes to foreplay. The male and female will interlock in an intense embrace, where both partners will lash at each other with their stingers. With their mouths locked, the male will repeatedly stab at the female with his tail. In retaliation, the heavier female will often times consume her mate.
Gentlemen, be glad you’re not slugs. While having a six to eight inch penis is impressive in many standards, the banana slug doesn’t think so. Since slugs are about eight inches long, they need to find a mate about the same size. Even though the banana slugs are hermaphrodites, the genitalia must fit with another. If the apparatus gets stuck, the slug on the receiving end will begin to chew off the penis of the other slug to free itself.