We Have Found The Center of The Universe

We Have Found The Center of the Universe

“Scientists have ascertained that the earth really is the center of the universe, and the cosmos does in reality revolve around the earth, explaining the missing mass and the accelerated expansion in one fell swoop.”  (Wladziu McGique  quoted in ScienceFax, April 2010)

Tony Barone reporting for MobScienceMagazine: we are interviewing the third shift crew at CERN.  For those of you that don’t know, CERN is an acronym for European Organization for Nuclear Research.  Go figure.  Professor Larry Hammed is supervising a full power run of the Large Hadron Collider, the most complex piece of equipment in the history of this universe, ever. 

So, Professor Larry Hammed, talk to me.

“First Shift got 7 Trillion ElectronVolts in March, a world record, but they were using DC Voltage, which means batteries.  Lots of them.

“We’re using AC Voltage, which is much more efficient.  But it oscillates at 50 cycles per second so we have to switch it every half-cycle to keep everything moving.  Special Technician Curlee Hammed is manning the manual override on that filter, the one where the red lights keep flashing. “  finished Prof. Hammed.

“Those subatomic particles are making about 11,245 circuits a second, and about 600 million collisions will take place every second!  Multiply that by 50 cps and you have a real big number!”  rhapsodized the ebullient Special Technician Curlee Hammed, as he gamely tried to keep up with the kaleidoscope of warning indicators on his control panel, lights playing off of his bald pate in a way that made him look like a commercial for sinus remedies.

“You get an even bigger number when you consider that these subatomic particles are travelling at 99.99% the speed of light.  When you add together the speeds of the two beams of particles moving in opposite directions, you get an astounding 199.98 percent of the speed of light!”

“At those speeds, mass exceeds infinity and volume becomes negative, so you have to be real careful.  One slip up and >nyuknyuknyuk< you don’t want to be there!”

“As the volume becomes negative, Time rewinds, and you are back where you started!”

“If you flip the switch before you get back where you started, Time stops, but only for the superluminal particles, whose masses generate drag in the Higgs continuum, which momentarily becomes discontinuous, therefore interspersing space-time with just space, enlarging the whole system exponentially as the inverse square of the infinite mass divided by the now negative Time!”